On the Arts has determined that the official census suffers certain shortfalls, and accordingly has developed an Alternate Census Form. COMPLETION OF THIS ALTERNATE FORM IS HEREBY REQUIRED BY DECREE OF THE COLUMNIST.
1. Do you love any of the people who live in your house? Please give the percentage.
2. How many ethnicities and ancestral geographical sojourns are in your background? Please list them all, going back to Africa.
3. Antiques or modern?
4. Mozart, Stravinsky, or both?
5. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
6. Do you ever think of leaving the United States to return home? Where would you go?
7. Do you think that the word "race" has any residual meaning in the 21st century?
8. If you answered "white" on the government Census form, please circle all that apply: (a) Neanderthal heritage (b) British aristocracy; (c) British lower class; (d) trailer trash; (e) other trash) (f) Swiss-German (g) Trojan; (h) Athenian; (i) Afghan; (j) Jewish (specify Moroccan/Ashkenazi/Indian/Sefardim/Ethiopian/other; (k) French with Roman nose; (l) French of mixed Neanderthal/homo sapiens ancestry; (m) Babylonian; (n) former Italian empire; (o) former Soviet Union; (p) Egyptian; (q) Arab; (r) Middle Eastern atheist (s) Philistine; (t) Sumerian (u) master race; (v) overprivileged; (w) racist; (x) underprivileged; (y) non-racist; (z) haven't really thought about any of these questions/don't know/don't care; (aa) formerly wretched refuse yearning to breathe free (bb) current wretched refuse; (cc) dumb Polish (dd) genius Polish (ee)any formerly shunned white, e.g., Irish, French, German, Russian, Norwegian, Swedish, etc.; (ff) New World Spanish settler; (gg) blues player (hh) New Age; (ii) Finno-Ugric speaker; (jj) any of above gone native for more than one year (kk) Maltese of Arab/European descent.
